Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Home coming...

After a long time, i think 7 years, an opportunity to be part of a Theatre production knocked at my door; thanks to my good friend Madhusudan Naidu - the script writer, director and casting director. The occasion was unique, personally, for i was acting in front of Swami for the first time ever! Oh what an experience it was!

The Theatrical presentation was a interplay of Indian mythology and current times...a deliberate anachronism thrown in to make the presentation interesting. The broad theme of the presentation revolved around the unique relationship between Swami and his students...the interesting ways He touches and nourishes the lives of His students - His Property! Swami really enjoyed the presentation and gladly posed with us for photographs. On the whole it was an experience of life time! I am ever grateful to Swami and His chosen instrument Madhusudan for this glorious opportunity.

Personal Notes:

First things first: i was thrilled to be on the SSSIHL auditorium stage again! This is the stage that nurtured my theatrical side, it is verily the mother who gave birth to the artiste in me, and to be standing there again was an amazing feeling of Home Coming! I found myself mentally inquiring the stage about her well being, how she was doing, and how many more children she gave birth to when i was away! She answered by making me feel as if i was there like on any other day during my student days, and 7 years seemed like just 7 hours. This realization gave me new energy and i hopped on to the stage to get started on the practice session...just like good old days!

We had an interesting stage partitioning: two small elevated platforms on right and left, leaving a central lower stage. The elevated platforms were used for the Mythological characters, their entry and exit, and the current times were depicted in the central stage. A massive 9' X 16' LED screen formed the backdrop through the play, settings seamlessly changed with the change in scenes. The video on the LED and the audio were synchronized and a major portion of scene changes were taken care of effortlessly! However, creating the video on the LED was a humongous task in itself, and only my good friend Madhusudan knows how difficult or easy it is to render the videos without glitches! The people who gave the LED support were very nice people from Bangalore; very cooperative, and enthusiastic.

All the artistes who were part of the play were very energetic and cooperative. This is one of the critical success factors i should admit, coz putting up a play in just 4 days (!) can be very difficult if people did not cooperate. The only reason people cooperated was simply because it was a play to be staged in front of Swami! End of discussion!

Costumes and make-up support was provided by Veteran Actress Anjali Devi's own group. Their long experience in the Telugu film industry was very evident in the way they worked. Especially the Yama, Jambavan, and other Vanara costumes stole the show!

Another important department that did its duty with out much ado was the sets team headed by Floor manager Let. Comm. Krispal and Asst. Floor manager Kallu. They were ably supported by many energetic people, and their work is really commendable!

The final formation song was another piece of gem. The composer, the singers, and the musicians really did a wonderful job!

The icing on top was the lights that were put together almost at the eleventh hour. Lights had to be hired from Bangalore on the eve of the final staging when it was realized by the Director that the light already available were not enough. But the team lead by Pandu proved that they were THE men for the job and did an amazing job at such a short notice.

Last but not the least, general support and refreshments department did a silent but amazing job. Murali and Manoj made our practice sessions truly enjoyable by making available some choicest dishes from the Hostel kitchen: Ground Nut Chutney, Potato Rice, Tomato Rice, and Lemon Rice.

I sincerely hope that staging a drama becomes a part of every year's Alumni Meet. If not for anything, at least for the Joy of Theatre, and its fulfilment in front of Swami!

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Tossed coin...

The tossed coin has to make up its mind in the mid-air. Once it falls to it's seemingly own decisions, there is no turning back.
What can it do...it just obeys nature and some celebrate while others despair.
But the coin rests in peace with the satisfied heart that it had done its job most unbiased.
But the time will come when the coin will realise that it had been abused to satisfy some one's ego...and it was all a game for some one to have fun.
Can the coin protest mis-use in the hands of men who had nothing but to plot and conspire in their lives?
Can this coin be little different? Well that meant sacrificing its own identity...is the coin ready for such a test in life?

What are these two sides to this coin - the head and the heart.

There are times in our lives when we are caught up in this dilemma - for most often the head says something different from the heart. Which way do i fall?..this is the question that taunts humanity constantly. Our decisions mean a lot to us for we know...once taken, there is no turning back.

While the ways of the mind are fairly explored, the heart is still an uncharted island. Emotions have no logic...and thank god they don't have one! No logic can explain the feelings towards each other...if one can, then they are not feelings but trade.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Irresistable...(Detour Part 3)

Belle de jour (1967)
Directed by: Luis Buneul

This is a marvelous movie for those who admire surrealism. Surrealism....thats the word......this movie is just that. Mind boggling...Bunuel is a genius in juxtaposing reality and fantasy and finally leaving the audience wondering if the whole movie was "real" or "fantasy". Watch it... you will love the enigma. I can give you some suggestions to appreciate it better......the scenes can be classified as 'real' or 'fantasy' by unraveling the logic in the scene. If you think the scene is logical, then it is real or else fantasy.

Nevertheless, here are some of my thoughts on the master-piece.

Severine is a beautiful young lady belonging to the bourgeoisie society, married to a doctor, Pierre. Though she loves her husband, something stops her from going to bed with him. She is apparently troubled, and has erotic fantasies, with her husband always playing the bad guy - tormenting her. The director is very cunning in sprinkling some scenes from Severine's childhood which actually give a lot of clue regarding her troubled life. One such scene depicts her being abused by an elderly man (probably her father). This in my opinion is very revealing and makes our understanding of Severine's other actions/imaginations even better. She always considered herself impure, and was ashamed of letting her husband know that. This can be seen in one such sprinkler scenes where the girl Severine refuses to accept the holy offerings from the Father in the Church. And this scene is very aptly placed while Severine is found going up the stairs of the brothel to take up the job as a prostitute.

Having been abused by an elderly man in her childhood, Severine, justifiably doesn't enjoy an young man's company in the bed (her husband). And she has erotic fantasies about going to bed with elderly clients at the brothel....again taking a job at the brothel is a fantasy and NOT real. This is very evident from the very funny, illogical incidents that take place in the brothel.

Into her fantasies walks a young man and she had to please him on the bed at the brothel. While she lay on the bed, the young man notices a mark on her and queries her about it. When Severine says its just a birth mark (remember...this is analogous to the impurity she is carrying with her from her childhood), the young man intially rejects her (she thinks her husband would similarly reject her for her impurity) but finally gives in and enjoys her. Only then she realises that, the young man also bears a scar on his back, which he says is from a knife stab. She realises, everyone has a scar to be reconciled with in life. This gives her a great sense of relief and her attitude towards her husband slowly changes. In her fantasies, however, Severine sees a conflict between the young client and her husband, and that the young man kills her husband in a fit of rage, only to be killed in turn by the policeman. She ends the life of the young client in her fantasies. She confides in a family friend (who is actually shown as one more client at the brothel) and she is relieved that the husband knows the truth. This leads to a better understanding of her husband and a new relationship blossoms. Now, the husband, whom Severine thought was nothing but a crippled man, blind to her troubles, she realises that she had infact only imagined all that and puts an end to her fantasies, symbolised by the empty coach driven in the last scene.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Detour Part 2...

Bacheha-Ye aseman (1997)
(Children of Heaven)
Directed: Majid Majidi
Story: Ali loses his sister's shoes in the market and for the fear of annoying his father and his understanding of their family conditions, lets his sister use his pair of sneakers with a condition that she would return it to him immediately after her school so that he could wear it to his school. Ali participates in a long distance running race just for clinching the third prize as the prize included a pair of sneakers and the first and second prizes were something else.

Comments: I am not able contain myself from commenting on this master-piece. My vocabulory fails me to praise this movie. The performance of Ali and his sister is unprecedented....marvelous....fabulous.....(english is a poor language!!). I could not shake of Ali's image from my memory for long.....the scenes that stands out are: When he informs his sister that he has lost her shoes....When he pleads for pardon from his school headmaster when he is found coming late to the school (because his sister comes late from her school to deliver the shoes)....and Ali pleads with his PT master to include his name for the runnning race...
On the whole Majid Majidi has given a master piece to the world cinema. Kudos to the director and the cast.
Note: Don't wait for an opportunity to watch this film......run to the near by VCD store, buy one and see it right now. What are waiting for.....RUN.

A little detour to the silver screen...

I was blessed with an opportunity (@ IIM-A between 18th and 25th January 2006) to watch some classics from world-cinema...and I enjoyed it. Kudos to the organisers (MAD and Drishya).
Here are the first two films. I don't want to interpret these classics as these need to be experienced. Kindly watch these masterpieces at the earliest opportunity.

Quatre cents coups, Les (1959)
(The 400 Blows)
Directed by Francois Truffaut
Story: Antoine Doinel is a 12 year old Parisian. His mother and step father don't show any interest in him but reprimand and beat him when they hear about his activities in the school. He has a friend who shares his childhood fantasies. When Antoine runs away from his home, just not able to face his parents, his friend helps him by lodging Antoine in his house with out the knowledge of his parents. Antoine holds a dream to see the sea one day. On the advice of his friend, he steals a typewriter from his father's office. When the plan of getting money from the sale of the typewriter does'nt work out, he innocently tries to place it back from where he took it and is unfortunately caught red-handed. The cruel step-father hands him over to the police and Antoine finds himself in the juvenile detention center. The climax shows Antoine escaping from the center. This, a real long shot, shows him running towards...well....nothing in specific.....finally Antoine finds himself on the sea shore, the place he always wanted to be. And the movie ends with a very enigmatic stare from Antoine right into the camera....right into us!

A Bout De Souffle (1960)
(Breathless)
Directed by Jean-Luc Godard
Story: A car thief, Michel Poiccard kills a pursuing police man. He goes to his girlfriend, Patricia and tries to convince her to accompany him to Italy where he promises her a happy and peaceful life. Patricia, however does'nt yield to his requests as she does'nt know if she really loves him. She finally decides to inform the police about the whereabouts of Michel. The climax shows Michel being shot in his back by the police man. When Michel finally breathes his last, Patricia is unmoved!

I shall come up with the story of other classics in a couple of days.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Lets analyse...The Box.

You must have guessed it.....The three characters surely are past, present and future.....and iguess that is the intention behind naming them YOUNGMAN, MAN and OLDMAN and ofcourse there is a FRIEND who is taking picture of the happenings...this could symbolise the people around us.....who are constantly watching us....or even TIME!!

Some of my thoughts.....
Man with a LIFE "filled with emptiness" awaits his future........andwhen face to face with it strikes a deal to hand over LIFE tofuture.....but the past takes-over and threatens to kill future ifhis deal is not honoured........the past infact barges in only whenit finds that the LIFE is indeed worth a deal.....and tries to hijack it. The "possesive" present just wants to get rid of LIFE for "something". The future though tired of the physical body(headache..and backache).....still has the heart filled with love to accept life in exchange.........but is just hopeful that the life is little strong (metal box?)....remember he also awaits a bus!!
Ofcourse the present has realised that all the material possessions of the past only adds to the emptiness in LIFE.....and finds the offer made my the future decent and consents to trade with him. The arrogant past takes-over man's life by force.......to finally discard calling it "empty".
MAN IS TORMENTED BY HIS PAST AND FUTURE GETS KILLED IN FRONT OF HIM......and even before man realises...the only unknown content in LIFE departs.

Note: Present meets its past daily.......but the past is suddenly taken aback when present starts talking about some other possession and gets curious to know the contents of that possession that present is so fond of. And one other thing........when he says whats in your head is in thebox..........i guess he is saying that......LIFE is what one thinks it is.........God if you think God you are...Dust if you think Dust you are!!!!!
But man has reached a sad state that he is no more even able to thinkof anything about himself........and thus remains empty.
I guess this play can be endlessly discussed............fantastic messages so simply put. Kudos to the playwright.

Iam sure you will have your own interpretations...........iam waiting to listen to you. You may please post your thoughts in the comments section.

The Box...

This is a fascinating play by Rich Smolen....njoy reading.....nay thinking. Will get back in my next post with some interpretations of this play.

The Box

Characters: Man Young Man Old Man

(Stage is bare, except for a bus stop sign downstage right. Upstage wall has a few black and white framed photos; a tripod is lying on the ground next to the wall. YOUNG MAN and MAN enter from upstage left and cross to the bus stop. There is a camera around YOUNG MAN'S neck.)

YOUNG MAN Well, here we are.
MAN Here we are.
YOUNG MAN I'll see you later....
MAN Same time and place....
(His voice trails off as he looks for the bus)
YOUNG MAN As usual.
MAN (MAN nods in absentminded agreement, still looking for bus. He stops suddenly and looks into audience.)
Uh-oh.
YOUNG MAN What is it?
MAN Uh-oh.
YOUNG MAN Did you forget something?
MAN Uh-huh.
YOUNG MAN Forget your fare?
MAN No.
YOUNG MAN What, then?
MAN My box! I forgot my box. Wait here?
(MAN runs off stage)
YOUNG MAN Your what?
(MAN returns with a large cardboard box)
MAN I didn't miss the bus did I?
YOUNG MAN You were hardly gone ten seconds. What's--
MAN Good. I'll see you later.
YOUNG MAN OK. Later.
(YOUNG MAN is obviously curious as to contents of box. He bends to look inside as MAN pulls box away. This action becomes more exaggerated through the next couple of lines)
MAN Good morning.
YOUNG MAN Yes, good morning....
MAN Have a good day.
YOUNG MAN Yes, thank you, you too....
MAN (pause) Is there something else?
YOUNG MAN Oh, no, not really, I was just....
MAN Don't you have to go soon?
YOUNG MAN Well, yes...soon--
MAN Didn't the studio call you in early today?
YOUNG MAN Yes, but--
MAN Yes?
YOUNG MAN I was just wondering...(pause, clears throat)...just wondering what's in the box?
MAN You want to know what's in my box?
YOUNG MAN Umm, yes...if you don't mind telling me...?
MAN (pause) You want to know what's in here?
(MAN gestures to box. YOUNG MAN starts to nod.)
Or what's in here? Eh?
(MAN gestures to his head. MAN nods, laughs at his own joke)
YOUNG MAN I mean what's in here.
(YOUNG MAN points to cardboard box)
MAN You don't find my joke very funny.
YOUNG MAN Oh. No, I just wanted to know....
MAN You want to know why? Because it wasn't a joke!
(MAN is serious for a moment, his eyes widen; then breaks out into laugh.)
It's the same thing!
YOUNG MAN What?
MAN (very slowly) The same thing. Here
(MAN gestures to box)
and here.
(MAN gestures to head)
YOUNG MAN (pause, look of confusion) I don't understand. (pause) What's in the box?
MAN Nothing.
YOUNG MAN Nothing?
MAN (MAN who has been half-joking until now becomes serious, almost threatening)
Nothing.
YOUNG MAN (pause) Why do you have a box...of nothing?
MAN Well, I have a box....
YOUNG MAN Yes.
MAN And it sure looks like something...doesn't it?
YOUNG MAN Yes...
MAN But, in fact...
(MAN turns box upside down)
it's nothing!!!
YOUNG MAN What do you do with a box of nothing?
MAN You find something to put in it.
YOUNG MAN Like what? I could give you something.
MAN I've had this box for a long time. Don't you think if it were that easy I'd have something by now?
YOUNG MAN What sort of thing are you looking for? Do you want my camera? I could give you my camera!
MAN What is the use of a camera?
YOUNG MAN Excuse me? THIS is a Nikon 35 millimeter, automatic focus, automatic flash, auto load, auto rewind, it's got a telephoto lens, rapid rewind for action shots--
MAN What would I do with a camera?
YOUNG MAN Take a picture?
MAN Of what? My box?? Then I'd have two empty boxes to fill.
(MAN looks for bus. YOUNG MAN walks upstage, sets up tripod. OLD MAN enters, downstage left. MAN sees OLD MAN and looks around in panic for a place to hide box. He finally ?hides? it in plain view, center stage, and returns to bus stop. OLD MAN sees MAN and crosses to him, also waiting for bus.)
MAN I got a box.
(FRIEND, apparently not in scene, sets up camera on tripod, upstage)
OLD MAN What?
MAN I got a box.
OLD MAN I got a headache.
MAN Do you hear me?
OLD MAN AND, I got a backache. (pause) A box? (short pause) Let me see.
MAN No. It's all I got. It's my box. It's all I got.
OLD MAN (patronizing) Well, what kind of box is it, then?
MAN It's a big box. Big enough.
OLD MAN Is it...a metal box?
MAN No, it's a cardboard box. It's mine.
OLD MAN (still patronizing, but slightly annoyed) Can you carry it?
MAN Of course I can--it's my box!
OLD MAN (long pause) I got somethin' too.
MAN Yeah?
OLD MAN (mocking) Yeah. Better than a box.
MAN Better?
OLD MAN Yeah. It's in my pocket.
(He pats his front pocket)
I'll trade it for your box.
MAN Trade what?
OLD MAN What's in my pocket.
MAN I don't know.
OLD MAN No, I'm telling you. What's in my pocket. I'll trade for your box.
MAN What's in your pocket?
OLD MAN What's in your box?
MAN Now I asked you first. What's in your pocket?
OLD MAN It doesn't matter...if you don't want to trade...if you want to trade, I'll tell you.
MAN No, I have to know....You do have something?
OLD MAN (sarcastic) No. Yes, I have something. (long pause) Well?
MAN (pause) All right.
OLD MAN We have an agreement, then?
MAN Yes.
YOUNG MAN (YOUNG MAN enters scene from upstage) No.
OLD MAN Excuse me?
YOUNG MAN (to MAN) There is no agreement yet.
OLD MAN Listen young man, I don't know who you are but I have made a deal here--
YOUNG MAN ( to OLD MAN) Apparently you DO know who I am. And I know you, old man.
OLD MAN Then we are on equal ground, but I have made a verbal agreement, and I intend to carry out--
YOUNG MAN (to MAN) Hey, man--I have something, too. Why don't you trade with ME?
MAN I--
OLD MAN It's too late, he has agreed to trade with me.
YOUNG MAN That was before he knew that I had something better than you.
MAN Look--I really don't care which one--
OLD MAN You made the agreement with me. Are you going reneg on your agreement? Are you going to break your word--
YOUNG MAN Are you going to listen to this clown? I have something better to trade. You will trade with me.
OLD MAN You will shut your mouth before I--
YOUNG MAN Before you what, old man?
MAN Listen, I think--
YOUNG MAN No one cares what you think.
OLD MAN Why don't you shut up and let him speak.
MAN (to YOUNG MAN) Look, I just want something, I already agreed--
YOUNG MAN You will trade with me, or you will not trade at all.
OLD MAN Don't be ridiculous.
YOUNG MAN Take one more step towards me, old man, take one more step.
MAN I don't want trouble--
YOUNG MAN I'll kill you, old man, come closer and I'll--
MAN Please--
OLD MAN Let's make the trade now. Where's your box?
YOUNG MAN Go get your box. But the trade will be with me.
(MAN hesitates, then moves towards box.)
Is that the box over there?
(YOUNG MAN points to box. OLD MAN looks. YOUNG MAN strikes OLD MAN from behind; OLD MAN falls to ground, motionless. YOUNG MAN looks around, visibly anxious and upset after assaulting OLD MAN. YOUNG MAN runs over to MAN who has just picked up box. YOUNG MAN grabs box and pushes MAN away to the side.)
This box is empty?!? This is worthless! All this for nothing!
(YOUNG MAN throws box to MAN who catches it. YOUNG MAN runs to camera and tripod, grabs them, and runs off stage.)
MAN (calling after YOUNG MAN) Wait! (silence)
(MAN looks into box)
(long pause) Nothing. (pause) Worthless.
(MAN looks around)
(pause) Alone. (pause) I hate alone!
(MAN crosses to OLD MAN, tries to revive him, but fails)
(pause) Nothing. (pause) I hate nothing!
(MAN throws box down. Sound of something shattering in box. MAN kneels in front of box. Lights fade except for red down light, illuminating only MAN's head and box. MAN looks down at box, then looks up at source of light. Light fades.)

CURTAIN

Courtesy: http://drama.eserver.org

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Theatre at Parthy...

My mind races back to those golden days at Prasanthi Nilayam, when we were scuttling the hostel corridor, unmindful of the breakfast or lunch or dinner, practicing for the most awaited event of our student lives – The dramatics competition.

Swami loves dramas – mind you He was the youngest playwright, director and actor in His childhood drama “Cheppinattu Chaestaaraa”. Taking inspiration from that, the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning started this very humbling and insightful competition in the year 1999 (as far as my knowledge goes). Until this time, there were only mono-acting and miming competitions, which mainly sought to bring out the individual talent in the student. But the introduction of dramatics competition went one step ahead in seeking to build more team effort in line with the Vedic injunction – “Sahana Vavathu Sahanou Bunakthu…”

The formative years of this concept of a dramatic competition saw the theatrical expression of ideas on a grosser level. The performances were based on dialogue delivery, story line, etc. However, this was not to continue for long as new expressions of ideas started taking shape. This modern theatre (so to say) emerged a more potent weapon in the hands of the artistes to showcase their ideas rather than merely their talent. The first ever experimentation with such an abstract exposition of ideas took shape in 2000 with the PG teams trying to bring forth the concept of “Tomorrow” through two very diverse presentations. One team brought out the concept of Tomorrow through a typical mainstream story line but with an abstract surrogate message. The other presentation I should admit was the first bold off-beat presentation of its kind at Parthy. The team presented the whole idea of Life through the symbol of web and intertwined incidents to prove the point that ‘tomorrow is uncertain’.

I should write here about the other group who had a surrogate message - reason being, I was a part of that team!! It was rather a very insightful lesson we learnt in our lives during that year’s dramatics competition. Our team had conceived an idea of presenting the whole concept of time using a very fascinating theory of “00:00”. For want of time and your patience!! I am not getting into the exposition of 00:00 now. But to cut the story short, our team had planned an elaborate stage setting with fantastic light effects with the understanding that we would be given free hand on the use of lights from the previous year’s experience. Then came the jolt that the rules had been changed and we were to be satisfied with just three halogen lamps. This was something that we never anticipated. The lord was preparing us to understand the meaning of “Tomorrow” even before we preached about it through our play. Imagine, we got to know about this change-in-rule just a couple of days before the final staging and we had to start from scratch. This was because, the idea we had conceived just could not be performed with just halogen lamps. You know man’s best comes only under constraints. We sat again for discussion and made the original idea surrogate and built a normal main-stream story line around it. But we told ourselves that this effort had to be one that the student community should remember for ever. And we made it. The lesson the Lord taught us through the incident was more everlasting than the satisfaction of winning the prize that year.

The next year, 2001 saw the coming-of-age of the new experimentations with theatre. With the theme “Winds of Change”, the PG teams soared newer heights in the insightful theatrical experience. The expression of ideas became more mature, laden with figurative and abstract underpinnings. Thus Modern theatre was born in Parthy. In fact that year one of the PG teams went beyond even those three halogen lamps and used only torches on stage. This evolving form of theatre chose to wield the power of ideas as against mainstream theatre that depended on powerful dialogue delivery and stage settings (not that they are any less important). It’s my duty to also appreciate the audience here who very seamlessly evolved into an intellectual lot and supported the growth of such a theatre. This new form of theatre that opened up new vistas of human imagination with an emphatic acknowledgement of man’s constant search for the meaning of life and his own role in the entire context of human existence in my humble opinion is the highest form of theatrical expression.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Prologue...

I have always experienced a lightness in my being...a strange feeling of 'home coming'.... great joy of accomplishment.....sublime sense of satisfaction - whenever I was on Stage. What is this feeling? I have asked myself. Most often "I don't know" was the answer or rather a preemptive response lest this feeling should be hijacked by some irksome questions. I became strangely possessive about this theatrical space, which to me was something beyond just being a rectangular physical space.
I used to sit on the floor of the stage and start staring at the bamboo ceiling and, believe me, used to lose myself. I often used to label these feelings - Nostalgic .... probably in one of my previous births I should have been a part of a theatre group and must have fallen off the bamboo ceiling and breathed my last on the floor of the stage. Well I know Iam a born pessimist.....I could not conjure a better 'previous birth' for myself.
A realisation born out of some kind of a passionate submission on my part to the theatrical expression led me to start discovering newer understanding of that theatrical space. Well atleast on the path towards that.
My theatrical experiences and experiments were immensely supported by a group of theatre aspirants, back in my college. I was very lucky to get such a dedicated lot. We used to discuss theatre hours on end....and never used to get tired. Individually, me inclusive, we were not experts...but collectively we found we were becoming a profoundly creative lot. Our varied backgrounds also helped us become holistically creative - one guy was a genius with the pallet and brush , one was a public speaker/anchor, one was an actor and a playwright, one was a violin genius, one was a creative writer, and so on. Each contributed to our discussion from various angles and enriched our discussions. In fact these are the guys who helped me discover myself.